Monday, October 11, 2010

My Subconscious Effort

I've got it. I realize I do it on a daily basis and very subconsciously. I tend to split up my life into different parts, separate "worlds" some would say. No, it is not some kind of  schizophrenia, or cross personality. Its more of a subconscious effort to keep myself happy.
First is work:
Working at Western Watts, is not something I am proud of. At least I have a job. And money. And time for the job. Its still not something I like to think about all the time. Its definitely not something that makes me happy, thats for sure. Getting yelled at, being an inconvenience to everyones day and knowing it, just isn't my idea of a good time. so, my logical plan is shutting it out when I don't need to think about it. 
Second is School:
This, I will admit is not the best thing to do with school. But. I still do it. I should spend my free time studying and doing homework. I know that. But I don't... I like to just push it all away, and not think about it, until I desperately have to. which really isn't good at all, but I feel just so relaxed about it when I don't worry about anything that has something to do with school. although right when I really need to have something done, it all catches up to me in a big tidal wave of guilt, stupidity, regret, stress, and "HEY STUPID- WHYYY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE!!?" <-- that basically sums up my feelings. For some reason, when that tidal wave crashes, those 12 words, yeah. thats all I can ever really say. Lets just say, I'll be lucky if I pass...
Third is Friends and Family:
Yes. Its true. I put my friends and family all in one world all together and pray and hope they get along. Which we all know doesn't really end up that way. ever. So some of the time I split that world with in its self! now, don't get to confused, because its not that hard. every person lives in their own section of the world, and most of the time they don't mingle unless I am there with them. It simplifies things for me. makes it easier to be around them. On occasion they decide to mix themselves around, mingle, mix, talk... sometimes, thats a disaster. I let that catch up all at once if it happens to. ( bad, bad habit of mine. not good for anyone. but DO YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX IT? I SURE DON'T. ) 
Fourth, is my happy time. 
Me time. Showering- a really hot shower, just letting the water run. Singing at the top of my lungs. Car drives, alone with the windows down. Reading- getting lost in a world completely new with nothing of your own worries. Playing my Guitar. Sitting in my bed- either really early in the mornings or really late at night, Sitting on the porch with a hot mug of tea- counting the cars going by. Sitting in the big green chair in my library. Feeling the sun soak through my clothes and having that incredibly warm feeling all over. Things that make me know life is worth it. Things that make me so happy, I can't put into words. 
My fourth world is my favorite place to be. it makes the other three easier to deal with once I have to continue in the reality of life. 

again- No, it is not some kind of  schizophrenia, or cross personality. Its more of a subconscious effort to keep myself happy. and I like it. 

Live a wonderful day! 

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